minamino2 (minamino2) wrote,

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Truly experiencing death for the first time...

My uncle died. He hung himself in the basement. His fifteen year old son found him.

I find it difficult to handle this.

The death is something I can handle. I cried, but I can move on. I'm sad, but I can keep living.

What I find absolutely unbearable is looking at the sad faces of everyone he left behind. His sons, my father, my grandmother, his wife. What am I supposed to say to them? I can't say anything without it sounding like a desperate attempt to just get looking into their eyes out of the way. I can't even imagine how they feel.

My father was on the phone with my crying. All he could say was "I lost my baby brother". My mother can't make sense of things, and my sister is clearly desperate to be able to understand how we feel. I don't expect her to feel like we do - he wasn't her family after all. She barely knew him.

i don't want to go to the funeral or burial not because I don't care, but because I would rather deal with death by myself. I don't want to think about it, I don't want to talk about it. And I'm not going to be able to handle sitting in a room where my entire family is crying around another loved one in a casket. I can't handle that. I couldn't handle being in the computer room when LeeAnn died and I won't be able to handle this.

I'm glad I was never successful in my suicidal attempts when I was younger. I've never been more glad of that in my entire life. I wish he could've seen that.
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